The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are.

– Stephen R. Covey

When relationships work well, it can be a very positive and happy experience. However, as I am sure you may well have experienced, when relationships break down and you find yourself in a conflict situation, it can be draining and disappointing and have a detrimental effect on your wellbeing.

Before you begin to develop positive relationships with others you need to make sure that you have a healthy relationship with yourself.

One of the biggest challenges we experience in relationships is that we are all different and we can perceive the world in so many different ways. Certainly a stumbling block that we come across when we try to build relationships is a desire or an expectation of the way that people will think and behave.

The first step however, to building successful relationships is to accept that we are all different and on that basis can bring different things to the party. You will have your own unique set of strengths and as a result you will have your own unique set of limitations. It is indeed better and more productive to spend time concentrating on improving your own limitations rather than focusing on those of others.

shutterstock_251250442Focusing on other people’s better qualities and feeding back about their strengths is a way to reinforce future positive behaviour. Many relationships break down because more time is spent eroding each other’s self-esteem through negative criticism. The danger is that we can try to get other people to shrink fit into something or somebody that they are not. Also, it is important to recognise that often, what we don’t like in others can be something that we don’t like in ourselves!

There are a few key behaviours that will help you to develop positive relationships and I have outlined here some tips and advice that you can take on board to improve your interpersonal skills.

Building Positive Relationships

  1. Listen – Listening is a hugely important skill in terms of boosting another person’s self-esteem. It is the silent form of flattery that makes people feel supported and valued. Listening and understanding what others communicate to us is the most important part of successful interaction and vice versa. When a person decides to communicate with another person, they do so to fulfil a need. We were given two ears and one mouth, because for some people listening is twice as hard as talking!
  2. Be Present – Being present with people is very important, so that, when you are with someone, you are truly with them in that moment and not dwelling on something else. The connection we make with other people is the very touchstone of our existence and devoting time, energy and effort into developing and building relationships is one of the most valuable life skills. This is why giving yourself total permission to fully focus on the person when you are with them is essential.
  3. Give and take feedback From your own personal perspective any feedback that you receive is free information and you have the choice entirely whether you want to take it on board or not. It is a great service with regards to helping you to tap into your blind spot and very useful in terms of helping you to get a different perspective. Remember, feedback is the food of progress!
  4. Trust more – To trust someone takes courage. However, no matter what our own personal baggage, is the more we trust people the more we can learn. The first step to developing trust is to learn to trust ourselves. Trusting ourselves to be able to cope when someone we care about hurts us. Trusting ourselves to do the best we are capable of doing for most of the time. Trusting ourselves to never give up hope that tomorrow will be brighter and that even if it’s not we will handle it. Once you have mastered this you will be more open and receptive to trust others and understand that even if someone lets us down it’s because we are all human and not infallible.
  5. Manage your mobile – By now, pretty much everyone has a mobile phone and quite a few people I know have two – one for work and one for personal use. While mobile phones are a lifesaver in an emergency, and an effective tool for communication, they can also be a complete distraction when people exhibit a lack of mobile phone etiquette. We have covered a little bit about this already in the chapter on communication. So being aware of the way that you use your technological appendages is really important.

Building positive relationships with people is so important for our own sense of wellbeing. We are sociable creatures and connecting with others will help us to feel better about life and ourselves in general.

The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people. 

– Theodore Roosevelt